Say hello to your New York IronMets! That’s right. MLB is finally taking a stand and modernizing the game!
A segment of the MLB and the MLBPA press release reads as follows: “Players will now be able to express their aggression in safer ways. Instead of having to deal with legal issues off the field and disciplining players, there will be an increased opportunity for players to get away with violence on the field. This will allow for better, well-rounded athletes.”
Sources close to the That Mets Chick staff have informed us that MLB is moving to require batters to wear a full-metal uniforms during at bats, starting in 2019. The New York IronMets will be the first team testing this program out in-game due to their injury history.
Players will still wear the traditional batting helmets with the open-face so umpires can still identify batters. Mets manager Mickey Callaway sounded receptive to the idea, adding, “I like it because it’ll make it harder to bat out of order.” No one wasted the time to explain that the game where they batted out of order still featured helmets with open-faces.
We reached out to Jeff Wilpon for his thoughts on the program. He seemed giddy and explained, “We’re really hoping this inspires Blizzard Entertainment to create a baseball player character for Overwatch.” When asked how the Mets could afford the state-of-the-art armor, Jeff declined to answer but John Ricco stepped in to happily explain that Commissioner Manfred was donating them as a friend of the Wilpons.
Chase Utley reportedly heard the news and is now quietly considering postponing his retirement. Sources close to Utley say that he feels the new armor will benefit his “gritty” style of tackling players. Utley’s agent issued a statement from Chase, reproduced here:
“At the same time, it doesn’t make much sense to me. We’re eliminating the vital natural selection element of baseball.”
Naturally, we FaceTime’d Ruben Tejada who sounded concerned about the advantage given to batters-turned-baserunners. “If they get to wear iron suits, middle infielders need to wear full body pads,” he said, implying that infielders dress like hockey goalies.
Ruben added that he’s not bitter.
The development of this equipment is meant to further protect players from injuries caused by: being hit by a pitch or haymakered in a brawl a la Jose Bautista.
This announcement comes following the Acuña hit-by-pitch by Ureña and the Puig-Hundley altercation. Another section of the press release admits that pitchers will also be permitted to carry switchblades so they can more effectively retaliate when a batter disrespects the game with a bat flip. Former Atlanta Braves pitcher, John Rocker, chimed in that it was, “About time these **** let us **** some **** and **** and we can all stop being *******”
Rob Manfred signed off on the initiative and added, “Fear will make the game safer and morally sound. Just look at all the good The Purge accomplished!”
This new initiative goes a long way in making a difference as MLB and the MLBPA seek to curb domestic violence. An MLB rep explained: “The violence can’t be domestic if it’s public.” The rep then pulled out his phone and showed us thinkaboutit.gif.
In honor the newly minted IronMets moniker, The 7 Line will begin selling promotional switchblades so you, too, can be your favorite abusive pitcher! And, finally true to their name, the 7Line Army will become a genuine militia, equipped with blue and orange tanks, machine guns, and grenades.
America’s Pastime is now America’s Presentime. The future is now.
This post was written by Bre, Christina, Laney and Marissa.