As reported by one of the Tims on the Mets Beat, the Mets have made a several new hires in the scouting and analytics department for the upcoming 2019 season. The hope is they can find the best college, high school, and little league players.

This is a little peculiar since the kids playing little league baseball are literally children and, thus, the Mets would need to take on child labor laws. The Wilpons suggested that the mandatory “breaks” that would be required are covered by the numerous amounts of commercial breaks between innings. Also, the team has quietly discussed the decreased likelihood of children complaining about the low, unlivable wages synonymous with MiLB, so much so that the Mets internally believe they’d be doing the kids a solid by drafting them at all at such a young age. This decision should also bring down the cost of legitimate college and high school draftees when they witness the prepubescent athletes gladly taking the couple thousand a year.

We spotted John Ricco down in a catcher’s crouch conducting an interview with Matt Ehalt who he hopes will report on the little leaguers in the Mets minor league affiliates.

Our crew overheard bits of the conversation. We witnessed Ricco frequently crumpling a metal hat—though likely aluminum—to gain Mr. Ehalt’s attention as it often wondered to his daytime-mode Twitter feed. He appeared to be typing his name, and then re-typing it intentionally misspelled, and endlessly scrolling and replying to various accounts. Ricco eventually seemed proud of his decision—we, too, were surprised by how quickly he furnished the hiring paperwork—and he loudly expressed to Ehalt the following endorsement: “Your elementary baseball understanding is exactly what we’re looking for to help us compete next year!”

When Ricco left, Ehalt told us that he hoped to find players with the same flawless character and sass as former speedster, current dumpster Jose Reyes. “My goal is to assign wins and losses to position players too. None of this weird SABER stuff that folks tweet about, WAR? What’s that good for?” He laughed at his own joke and requested it be on the record. We informed him it was all on-record. “So, hear me out, the offensive player with the best win-loss record would be the league MVP. Can’t fail the eye test when you have numbers,” Mr. Ehalt insisted.

At the mention of numbers, we showed Mr. Ehalt a handful of statistics that we believed would be more indicative of a truly good player. His eyes glossed over and he waved us off. He slammed out a few more tweets, huffing under his breath about “coward fans subtweeting him.”

We drew up a hypothetical lineup the Mets could’ve run with to close out the 2018 season. It included the likes of Peter Alonso, Dominic Smith, Amed Rosario, Jeff McNeil—when we mentioned McNeil, Ehalt interrupted that Jose Reyes has more hits, RBIs, and homeruns, to which we grumbled that Reyes also had more games and arrests—Brandon Nimmo, and Michael Conforto.

Ehalt was alarmed by the lack of Jay Bruce and Austin Jackson. Unprompted, Ehalt mourned the trade of Joey Bats and release of A-Gon.

We’re doomed.

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“Per the New York Metropolitan organization and ownership group, the Mets announce the hiring of Matt Ehalt and Co. to remove excessive analytics numbers from baseball. Like our president’s son bestowed upon us on the beaches of Florida, our goal is to Make Baseball Mindless Again. Bunting will continue to go untaught in our Minor League affiliates as it too closely resembles kneeling. The goal henceforth will be to promote players who are quiet with the media and only provide anonymous quotes to pay-rolled writers. At the printing of this press release, Messiers Jeff and Fred Wilpon will acquire new personal titles to go along with their ownership. While the Mets will continue forward with a Cerberus GM, Jeff Wilpon will now add the newly minted title of Senior Captain GM and Fred will be the Grand Wizard of the Mets Medical Staff at the Hospital of Special Surgery. Their roles are considered hands-off and the titles are for the sake of formality. The Metropolitan will also erase “current season” statistics from scoreboards and replace them with each players’ career statistics. Current season statistics will be scrubbed from all official Mets-owned websites. Baseball Reference will promptly be issued a cease and desist for each current-season they provide for Mets employees should they remain searchable. All “career statistics” may remain so long as they include Batting Average, RBIs, and Home Runs. All mention of OBP, SLG, WAR, and all other numerals important to sabermetrics will not be tolerated by the Wilpon & Katz group, though all lawsuits will be funded by minority ownership. This is not due to any financial struggle involving the Wilpons. Like the USA, the Mets will operate under an Imperial system rather than metric. The Wilpons are in excellent financial health and this downsizing is to benefit fans. Unrelated: the Mets will be relieving all concessions employees, office assistants, and ticket sales representatives. These jobs will all now be handled exclusively by Jay Horwitz and Mr. Met.