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To increase viewership and attendance, especially among “the kiddos”, New York Mets owner Fred Wilpon sat down with Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred on Friday to discuss his ideas. Wilpon proposed five new programs that he thought would help “Make Baseball Great Again.”

  1. Let the Fans Run the Bullpen
    As a move to spark engagement in millennial’s, all in-game bullpen activity would be decided via 60 second Twitter polls. When asked about it, Wilpon claimed, “by putting fans in control, they’ll feel more connected than ever. The bullpen polls are just a lead-in for some larger plans to increase fan participation.” Wilpon indicated that by the end of the 2021 season, fans could also have opportunities to be their team’s general manager, hitting coach, marketing team, sales representatives, parking lot managers, concessions workers and more.
  2. Allow Crowdfunding for Player Contracts
    Wilpon insisted that Major League Baseball should allow teams to create GoFundMe campaigns for signing superstar free agents. When asked why fans should have to pay for their team’s acquisitions, he replied, “It’s actually a decision made FOR the fans. By giving them the power to donate to a player’s contract, we’re gifting them access to build the roster that they want to see.”
  3. Permit Players to Purchase Banned Substances from Pre-authorized Agencies.
    One of the largest threats to the game has been the illegal use of performance-enhancing drugs. Wilpon’s proposal would permit the use of such substances as long as they were purchased directly from the team’s “Pharmaceutical Performance Program”. He argues that while this may still be seen as dangerous, it’s actually completely harmless as it gives team owners, a historically selfless and ethical group, the direct control of the chemicals going into their player’s bodies.
  4. Add Commercial Breaks Between Strike One and Strike Two
    While this might sound like a head-scratcher, it’s actually a strategic chess move and a “real game-changer” according to sources close to Rob Manfred. In addition to generating more ad revenue, the idea also addresses the highly-discussed pace of play issue. “We’ve heard loud and clear that our fans don’t want shorter games, so let’s make them longer” said Wilpon.
  5. Move the All-Star Game to a Remote Caribbean Island, and Turn it into an Exclusive Music Festival
    Major League Baseball is missing a chance to capitalize on the booming destination music festival business. Imagine a show where fans could see Mike Trout’s soft hands strumming a guitar, dance to Giancarlo Stanton’s rendition of his favorite Drake song, and clap along to the theme from “Friends” with Wilmer Flores. By targeting social media influencers with reinvented ballpark food items and luxurious beach cabanas, it’s a “surefire” success. When asked how he came up with this plan, Wilpon said the idea came from his good friend Ja.